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Lennie: 'Pauline advised me to contact Yoram for my support. I had enough NVC coaches around me already to support me on emotional and communicative area, but I heard such a wonderful things about him that I got interested. Pauline called him 'the king of empathy' and somebody else spoke about him as 'the master of communication'. I see him as that; for me he belongs to the best trainers of the world. Sometimes I regret that he doesn't talk Dutch fluently. Then it's more difficult to talk for him in talks with caretakers who don't talk Enlish. Luckily I have Dutch trainers for these cases.'

Lennie describes what's for her the power from Yoram. 'He can understand the essence of what I am trying to say. I feel seen, heard an known in what's important for me. He can reformulate what's alive in me so well that it gets peaceful insiced me, peaceful through the clarity. And through the simplicity, the simplicity that's in the core of what's alive. When I am in this more peaceful state of being, I am more open to hear what's going on for the other person. Yoram helps me to see the beauty in spite of how difficult and painful the message of the other person is for me.' 

When I ask if Lennie has an example, she thinks for a while. 'No example comes up this moment. What pops up is that we talked about social insecurity a few days ago. I am insecure about my skills to contribute that the other person is comfortable in my presence and my skills to contribute to a contact that will last long. For me was an eye opener that behind my insecurity is, among other things, a need to learn. I want to learn how I can contribute to the quality and the continuation of the contact.

An example in which Yoram applied NVC

Lately I gave a course in Italy. In the break my attention went to two children and their mothers, a 4 year old girl was holding a plastic bag full of shells, and a 4 year olf boy was asking the bag from her. She didn't want to give it to him. He then looked at her, hold both of his fits tide up, and loudly stated: 'If you don't give it to me, I will get angry.'

This “technique” didn't work for him… she still didn't want to give the shells to him. The boy came to the girl and started to hit her. I was just putting my hand there in the middle, to protect that the fist will not hit the girl, and in the meanwhile I was explaining the mothers what I am doing:
'I don't tell him that he shouldn't hit her. There is nothing wrong about what he is doing- in his way he tries the best he knows how to express how much he wants to play with the shells and with her, it will be very painful for him if he doesn’t get the understanding for what he tries to express’.
I looked at him and made my first guess as to what is going on for him: 'Do you want her to share with you the shells?'
He said: 'yes!'.
I then asked the girl: 'Do you want to share the shells with him?''
ZShe was thinking for a moment. Then she opened the bag, took one shell and gave it to him. His face was still angry. He didn't even stretched his hand to take the shell so it just feel flat on the floor, and he claimed: 'I want all of them!' His mother immediately started to tell him: 'No you cannot ask all of them...'

I invited the mother, instead of educating him, to just try to connect with him. And again, I looked at him, and made my first guess as to what is going on for him: 'Is it that you would like to play with her? play together with all the shells?'
The boy nodded ‘Yes’..
I then asked the girl: 'Would you like to play with him with the shells?' Again she was thinking for a moment. Then she jumped down from her mother’s lap, pulled out the shells from the bag and the next minutes they were playing together on the floor.

After I said to the participants- ‘it is amazing how fast these little ones already learn these technique of manipulations (‘I will get angry if you don’t do what I say’)- guess who they learned it from…’ The woman then said- ‘Yes, he learned it from me… it is exactly what I do when he is not doing what I tell him to do’.If you just ‘Be and live NVC’ with them, they will imitate you and learn themselves how to solve conflicts differently.


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